Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
