hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
