So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I have fence marks all over my body
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
