I bet he comes in French.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
