I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
