today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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