i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize