my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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