mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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