I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
