Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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