spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
