Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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