Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
