i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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