Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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