I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize