and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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