you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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