Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
