Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
