currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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