im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
