I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
