ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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