I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
