My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
