maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
