Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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