You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
