yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
