Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
