i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Come share oat with me in your robe
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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