party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
