I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
