Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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