The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
