just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
