hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
