Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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