Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
