im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
