the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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