u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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