I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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