I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
