Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
