If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
