my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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