cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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