I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
