he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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