I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize