Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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