you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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