I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
