I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You're a waste of cheezeits
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
