I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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