Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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