She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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