well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
