We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
