First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize