Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
