what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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